In an attempt to seem normal again while taking the kids out for fun and running errands on a rare Friday off, the sadness crept back and ruined my day out.
It was while meeting a friend for lunch and seeing a half dozen other moms with children of multiple ages and pregnant. It was while in a clothing store shopping for a few school uniform pieces and finding myself drifting over into the baby section to pick up items for Jude and then remembering that he's not here anymore. It was while talking to the kids about Halloween costumes and realizing that I won't have a bump to buy a silly Halloween shirt any longer. It was while watching Charlotte's Web with the kids and seeing Charlotte heavily expecting. It was when Amélie hugged me while waiting in a line, pressed her head into my stomach and looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry we don't have a baby in your belly anymore. I want one so bad."
Me too sweet girl, me too.
I hate that I can not go anywhere- not even a quick donut shop run with the kids- without seeing something that reminds me of this feeling this sadness and hurt. I hate that when I open up Facebook or Instagram hoping to see a funny cat video to make me smile, I instead find belly photos for people I want so much to be happy for, but just can't be without feeling sad, crushed, and defeated. I hate that this happened to me. I hate that his happened to him.
I miss him. I miss the dream of all he'd be. I miss the dream of all the love I'd give him. I miss the two that were lost before him. I miss what my life should be right now.
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