It has been another long, hard day of missing Jude, the baby that he shared a womb with in the first few weeks, and the baby I lost last January. I've lost more babies than I have in my home and that is a tough reality to accept each time it comes into my mind.
Everything is a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. A trip to church, a trip to the grocery store, opening up Facebook and seeing that some one's baby is now the size of a grapefruit or that it's national bump day, and even going to work. A reminder at work is the worst of all of these reminders because there is no fleeing that situation.
The twins have switched from asking when the baby is coming and have now switched to asking me on a daily basis if another baby is in my belly because they've prayed and Heavenly Father should have put it there by now.
Church provides a weekly issue with this because leaders are constantly preaching that prayer will fix everything and they continuously ask me why it didn't fix Jude. I still haven't found the answer to that question.
When Desmond announced to everyone at school that his mom had a baby in her belly, I was congratulated by many. I now face those parents and teachers on a daily basis and can see them staring at me and wondering where my belly is and why it's taking so long. A birthday party at a pool was the worst of these situations. There's no hiding an empty womb in a bathing suit.
Time passing does not make a miscarriage any easier. Do not let anyone fool you with that advice. I'm not sure what will make this easier, but I can say with certainty that there will always be three holes in my heart where three other children should be and Jude left the biggest of these holes.
In one of my many nights of staying up all night crying immediately after my D&C, I opened my phone and wrote the below poem.
Heavenly Father, place inside me a baby I can keep.
With soft fair skin and golden hair and eyes so blue and deep.
Let me feel it as it grows and wiggles deep inside.
Please let it be a time to smile and not that I should to hide.
Father, give me the time a mother needs to grow a healthy one.
One without issues, one without pain, a daughter or a son.
Give me the time to see its face and hold it next to my heart.
Give me the time kiss its cheeks and say we'll never part.
Let me watch this baby grow and see it learn to walk.
Let me be there at its side, as it learns how to talk.
Give me the chance to answer its questions about life and all the rest.
I'll praise your name and let it know that we are here as a test.
Though it be hard, we must go on, as hard as it may be.
I cried many days and nights alike when I lost my other three.
Please give me the chance again, dear Lord, to grow my family sweet.
I long for the sound of my little home to be filled with baby feet.
I long for the smell of sweet baby skin and their siblings are waiting each day,
For a brother or sister to love and hold, they ask you whenever they pray.
My sweet little children, they plead with you, in every prayer at night.
It's hard for them, they don't understand, how things can never go right.
So send us a miracle, I know it's a lot to ask of thee, but please,
End this sadness, replace it with joy, and and make the pain inside ease.
