And Then There Were Four...(Part 2)

Although the babies were now born and stable, the next several weeks began a giant emotional rollercoaster for me.

Each day I had to look at my sweet, tiny babies attached to all kinds of wires and tubes and all I wanted to do was hold them in my arms and comfort them.

 I could only see my babies at certain times of the day and each time I went to see them, I was faced with having to pass by dozens of other tiny babies, beeping monitors, and the sounds of conversations about babies that are not doing very well. It was beyond troubling.

All I wanted to do was care for my babies and comfort them and all I could do stare from afar and provide breast milk which was almost impossible since the hormones that it takes to produce the milk were on stand by since I had never held my babies or heard them cry.

I felt like a failure.

I failed to carry them to term, I was failing to comfort them, and I was failing to produce food for them.

I spent weeks beating myself up.

Finally the day came when the nurses told me I could come in once a day to hold the babies and from then on my life was complete. I finally was a mom.

Baby Des

 Baby Amélie and tired mommy

Desmond during his bili light treatment.